Everything Sucks

A "Sorry Fuck"- thats what I was called. It stung. Stunned me really. First I was sad. Then I was angry.

The message went something like this "'I'm sorry heather. You're nothing but a downer lately. And I gotta let you go as a friend. I don't need sorry fucks in my life. FYI you should have believed in God more and had #9! Take care!" 

Before I could even reply back that I had my 10th last summer, I was blocked and that was that. I thought it was a joke but quickly realized I'd just been shamed by some wolf who'd masqueraded around as a friend for years. 

Well alrighty.

My entire adult life I've believed that my destiny was in the hands of God, including my fertility which is why I had ten awesome wonderful children. Some people who also subscribe to this belief feel that by choosing to stop having children and having a hysterectomy, I am given up my faith in God. It's been a pretty disgusting week of opinions. I like to think that God has given me the gift of foresight here and I had all the children I was destined to give birth to. Perhaps our family will grow one day- when our babies are older, we may foster or adopt. Who knows what the future holds? 

Trust issues. I've got them. I wear them like scars that won't heal regardless of how hard I try. This entire situation has really brought me into a new light. I am realizing just how short and precious life is.  As such, people, in all their ugly glory are showing their true colors. Some are beautiful beams of light shooting through the darkness like stars, bringing hope and truth and light. (Ahem Sarah, Jaime, Claire, Kimberly, Dana, Holly,  and all you girls that know just what to say and when to say it) and then there are the ugly sorts who sanctimoniously sit behind their phones and computer screens smugly hurling their admonitions and judgments like... well.. assholes. Sometimes the truth is just as ugly as that. We all know what comes out of assholes, right? 

They say that hard times will reveal who your friends are. That's true. I'm an emotional wreck these days. I'm scared and coming to grips with being a "mutant"- (what a freaking terrible word!) My therapist says that I have gone so long being the one to take care of everyone else, that it's difficult for me to accept being the one that needs help being taken care of right now. It makes sense but it makes me feel weak... and like a burden. No one likes to feel like a burden to anyone. No one likes being a debbie downer and being told they are a sorry fuck when they do open up to 'friends.' 

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First week of school and we are all already sick. My twins are struggling and "hate school." My son Noah came to my room the other night and angrily asked me why I put them in school. 'Why didn't you try harder, Mom?" It broke my heart for a while. I'm struggling with feeling like I've made the wrong choices and understanding that I can't do it all. I can't. I know I cant. 

I have the flu. I've been sick for days. I am fairly certain I will have to reschedule my appointment with this breast oncology surgeon tomorrow. I can't, in good conscious walk into an office of immu-compromised women with the flu. I guess in a sick twisted way I'm a little glad. I've bought more time to nurse my little guy a little longer. 

                              This season of lasts... its a real bummer.