Tomorrow my five oldest children will start public school. We've homeschooled for nearly 5 years so everyone, myself included is riddled with anxiety. This is the first of many ways our lives will have changed thanks to this diagnosis. Admittedly, after Jasper aspirated last fall and then my car accident we were already behind this year so my gut says this is the best the for the kids its just a considerable adjustment.
I had my first ovarian scan last week- it came back looking "like the ovaries of a healthy 23 year old" said the tech. I was like well, alrighty then. She said that women who have many pregnancies and who have never used hormonal birth control often have "healthy" looking ovaries - whatever exactly that is suppose to mean.
I meet with my breast oncology surgeon on the 29th. I have been trying to come up with various questions in regards to the procedures I am trying to deliberate and decide upon. Boobs, no boobs, nipples, no nipples, nipple tattooing- boobs reconstructed from skin from your back or belly, belly fat- Implants or no? Silicone or memory gel? Its like... who knew there were so many options and which one is the right one for me? How about... whichever one hurts the least, and makes me look almost like I did before but maybe a little bit better? I'm worried. Some women look like they've been butchered and I really am afraid I will be one of them once this is all over.
I'm suppose to start weaning Jasper and believe me, I've really tried to cut back but that only led to him fussing quite a bit more and now we are back to square one. He'll be 6 months this Friday, it just seems too darn young to wean. Psychologically, the part of me dealing with the fact he is my last child and the very last I will ever breastfeed is a heavy weight for me to bare. For those that know me, I've lived my life with the mentality that God chooses when to close and open the womb. I have to believe he waited until just now to drop this information into my lap. I asked God for a sign when it was time to be done and as old Jeff Foxworthy would say... "Here's Your Sign." Nonetheless the ache of knowing that each day Jasper is growing and this season of my life is coming to an end sometimes brings me into random bouts of bittersweet tears. I have been extraordinarily blessed. I know this. There is no doubt. Its just . . . hard.
He's starting to pull up on furniture now and I find myself whispering, "slow down sweet boy" every single day. The days are long but the months and years are so short. I am constantly realizing that I am in for a season of lasts and nursing will be a hard last to swallow.
I am so used to micromanaging everyone's lives that sending them off to school is also a hard pill to swallow. It will be a welcome relief, I'm certain but there are so many many fears that I have with public school that the very thought of it makes me stomach flip flop. They need a quality education that I currently cannot offer from home. This I understand. It doesn't make it any easier.
This past week Huffington Post published an article about a woman faced with a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy who decided to throw her boobs a going away party. A large number of women from a support group I've joined for BRCA+ women talked about some of the things on their "booby bucket list" and made me ever more certain that at the very least I need to do a nursing photo shoot before I completely wean. I think I've found a photographer to work with so I'm sure that will be coming up in the next few weeks, too.
The article also brought up a harsh reality of just how many naysayers to the preventative surgical route there are. I've heard claims from people who say its only done by people who are "attention seeking" and some even claimed its a slap in the face to people who have had cancer. I think... wow, Id think it would be a slap in the face to NOT have the procedure done. I think if my Granny or Grandma were still alive they'd both insist I have it done--- I'm being given the benefit of the doubt in a way. The foresight to stop the almost inevitable. Why waste such a gift by not being proactive? That's how I see it anyway.
So... thats my update for now. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears. Lots of questions. Lots of everything. Maybe next week will be better.
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