Life has changed dramatically for me in the past couple months since I first posted.
I started my kids in public school, (and consequently pulled my autistic daughter back out) which has been a dramatic change in our home life. The other kids seem to enjoy school, although we were insanely sick for the first couple months. We had two different strands of the flu, norovirus, strep, various stomach bugs. You name it had we had it. For two solid months this house was filled with puking, pooping, feverish kiddos and it was hellish.
Fortunately for us, Spring has finally arrived. The kids are settling in to school routines and life is different for us all. I am slowly coming to grips with my son Jasper being my true last child. He's 10 months old now and we are slowly weaning. We are trying to focus on new goals for the family, namely traveling, homesteading and spending more time doing the hobbies we already love.
I joined a support group for women who are BRCA mutation positive and it has changed my life. Their stories of inspiration and strength have rocked me to my core. I have slowly started to realize what a gift this knowledge is and it's allowed me to truly, for the first time in my life really... start living.
Gone is the crippling fear of who might think what, and who might say what, and what must I do and how must I do it. I finally feel free to be whoever I genuinely want to be and not worry about what ANYONE has to say about it. I feel like I've been let out of a prison and I truly am free to be me.
Weird, Compassionate, Stubborn, Graceful, Honest, Genuine, Spontaneous Adventure Loving ME.
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I applied for a scholarship to attend the FORCE conference in Philadelphia this summer in June. FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered) is this amazing non profit organization that was created just for women like me- with a family history and BRCA mutation status. It empowers us with information and connects us with one another so that we may learn, grow, commiserate and celebrate together. I feel truly blessed that God has put this resource at my fingertips. I learned am I receiving a full scholarship to attend. Plane tickets, hotel, conference costs- all covered. It is one of the greatest gifts I could have received given this situation.
The old Heather wouldn't have applied for that scholarship. I would have made excuses as to why it's not for me and been riddled with anxiety over the idea of going alone and not knowing anyone there. But the new Heather? I'm excited! I can't wait to connect with others going through the same exact things and just hug them and say.. HEY! It's going to be okay! We are in this together!
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Just over a month ago, a friend lost her 11 year old daughter to a genetic disease called Canavans. It was devastating, and heartwrenching. Everyday on facebook she shares old photos from their short 11 years together and you can see just how they truly lived those 11 years to the fullest. It inspired me to want to REALLY START LIVING.
Life is too precious to spend one more second not living it. Our days are numbered and as much as it sucks to think about, all of us will live our last day one day. I'm tired of feeling like I'm waiting. I'm waiting on finances, or waiting on situations to change, or relationships to evolve. I'm tired of waiting to live!
I have long dreamed of having a farm. I realize it's just not going to happen anytime soon so instead, I'm going to turn my own urban home into the best mico farm (urban homestead) that I possibly can. I'm suddenly seeing trash that can be upcycled into treasure. I have a deep desire to just get on with life- even without the acreage to start a true "farm"-- so thats my big goal. Turning my home, into an urban homestead; complete with chickens, gardens, an orchard, a greenhouse, bees and yes maybe even a couple mini goats eventually.
Sound crazy? Maybe it is. But its what I want, so I'm just going to go for it.
I feel like I have been given such a precious gift... knowledge. That knowledge has finally given me the strength, courage and ability to finally be free.
As for surgery, I am going to be having my hysterectomy first. It's going to be in July, right when Jasper turns 1. That will have hopefully given my body an entire year to heal from the delivery of him, and I will hopefully have a smoother recovery as a result. Once I heal from that, it will be on to the "big show.." - my bilateral mastectomy.
For now though, I"m going to tend to my gardens and fruit trees and live in this moment-- and REALLY live in it. It's ok to make plans for tomorrow, but, it's also important to live today.
